woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
