He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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