a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
