There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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