shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
