Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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