Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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