Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
