Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
