I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
