I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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