i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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