mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
