apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
