sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My penis needs a shock collar
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
