the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
