bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
