a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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