i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
