it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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