Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
