You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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