cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
