oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
