i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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