Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
