I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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