you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
