I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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