Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
