Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
