I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
