How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
