when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
