Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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