I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
