Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
