Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
