Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
