Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
