sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
