I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
