Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
