cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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