i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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