Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
