Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
