How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Randomize
