I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
