I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just gargled with NyQuil
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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