Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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